She’s still looking at me! Why won’t she stop?! It’s not my fault I don’t want to be divorced before I’m 30. Just don’t lose eye contact. What it is they say when you’re confronted with wild animals? Try and make yourself as big as possible? God, I wish I could get off this train. How about if I go and get a drink from the buffet carriage? Yes, perhaps that might clean the air. But I’ve got to get past her, and she looks like a mean drunk. Maybe I could distract her with something shiny? Oh God, why me? Oh thank God, I’m nearly here, next stop Newbury. She’s not getting off at Newbury too is she? Of fucking hell, she’s getting off here too, now if I follow her off the train she’s going to think I’m stalking her, and that may not sound too great. What I’ll do is this: I’ll just get off the train normally, and she may be intoxicated too much to notice. Yes, sounds good. As I stood up, my worst nightmare was realised, she began to talk to me. Fuck, fuck, fuck. In a slurred voice I only managed to distinguish a few words, it sounded something like “don’t you … try…more wine please?”
“No I’m not the waiter, you’re on a train; we’re at Newbury.”
“That was quick, doesn’t time–
And with that she fell into my lap, fast asleep. Screw it! It’s my stop, and I want to get home. I have a nice rump steak waiting for me that won’t reheat well, and I don’t think Royal Mail can get it sent down to Penzance quickly. Now I am going to get off this blasted train, even if it kills me (but preferably the woman next to me.) As I stood up to make my escape, I managed to not only clout my hip into her table, but also spilt the dregs of her wine. Fortunately, however, the majority of it landed on her. Still she remained asleep, and I was able to make a half-hearted dive over her legs, and fell slap bang into the lap of the gentleman opposite. Brilliant! This becomes even more preposterous, and now my wife might think I enjoy the company of other men on trains. As he began to look at me, I just buggered off and made for the exit. Mercifully he seemed to not care too much, and when he look across to sleeping beauty opposite him, he chuckled, and I felt pleased that at least I had made somebody happy, though annoyingly not me. The instant the train pulled into the station I made a mad dash to the car park and drove hope, without a criminal record, and still with my sanity. Fuck, and my briefcase…